Found

In my wild innocence, I thought I could take on the world

In my wild innocence
I thought I could take on the world
I thought perhaps I could change it in some grand, marked way
Make it better, more loving
More peaceful
I wanted peace most of all
But had no idea how to find it
How to achieve it

And then came the day when everything crumbled
When the pieces I so carefully placed on the shelf fell down
What I most feared happened
I lost control
I fell apart
Not once or twice,
But many, many times
Various spectrums of claimed identities
Squeezed, challenged, destroyed
Liberated
I tried to grasp them, to hold on
Like when you desperately search for a rail or a hand to help you rebalance
Wanting so much to stand strong again, feet firmly on the ground
But these old stories you were never meant to keep
They were to teach you how to trust
That you are still someone, somebody
That you matter
Even when you are falling, drowning
Even when you are floating, fleeing
They were to teach you that there is grace
That love exists for every part of you that is aching to be found

And so here I am
Rising every day in humility
From all I’ve experienced
I saw that though I’ve felt broken
I am whole
I discovered that if it’s peace I wanted to see out there
I had to first find peace within myself
To end all the wars in my mind
The conflicts in my heart
To listen to every nook and cranny that presents itself
Meeting them with kindness
Compassion
To see beauty in every piece, no matter how painful
No matter how ugly

And that is how everything shifted within me
That is how everything shifted without me
Different realities swirling above my head
Inviting to be experienced
I can change the world after all
Make it better, more loving
More peaceful
Just not in the grand old way I first imagined
But in quiet, humble ways
Expanding my capacity for love in every glowing and unglamorous opportunity
And letting that ripple out

No more running
No more doubting
Instead, allowing and accepting
Simply sitting in the peace of being found